In Praise of a Parent
From the very beginning, you have made it your business to make me a better and stronger person. This has not been an easy task for you. It has required an enormous amount of patience, more than anyone could imagine.
There was more to it, though, than just patience or perseverance. You had to dig deep within yourself find resources you never knew you had in order to face problems and stresses you never anticipated. There were many things you had to do, but perhaps even harder were all the things you had to restrain yourself from doing. Much of the time you have been in the unenviable position of having to hold back and not directly state what was on your mind, for direct statements, you quickly learned, were often counter to your purpose. I could not see past my own immediate desire or concern, and you had to phrase your instructions and criticisms carefully.
While much of what you had to learn in taking care of me was on-the-job training, you brought considerable skill to it right from the start. You understand this operating system of the human heart, so much more complex than any computer program, and you work within its parameters like a consummate artist. You do not complain about the obstacles, failings, complexities, and all the many other shortcomings of the human species. You accept what is, and despite many inconsistencies, you make it move forward, inch by agonizing inch. That is what is so special about you: instead of allowing yourself to be defeated by adversity, you keep your eye on the prize. You have vision. You have plans. You looked at me, and instead of complaining about what is, you have always seen what could be, and you always invisibly took those opportunities to move me in those directions which, left to my own devices, I would have found only through great amounts of trial and error, if indeed I would have ever found them at all.
You have had the forbearance to allow me to fail. Even when you knew I was headed down a wrong road, you managed to restrain yourself from taking the wheel, for you knew the importance of failure in learning the true nature of one’s heart. Even though your own experience told you that my next attempt was doomed, you also knew that there are some things that cannot be learned in the abstract, there are certain life lessons that cannot be mastered by listening to a lecture or reading a book. You understood that I often had to reinvent the wheel, and as I did so you showed remarkable patience while I pondered various geometrical designs before finally deciding on a circular design. And you never once belittled my discoveries by telling me that you already knew the answer before I did. Instead, you always shared in my simple joy in discovery, and in the process you reinforced my fledgling fragile faith in myself.
While I know it was hard for you to endure these times, you knew that such experiences were very necessary, for they would ultimately make me stronger and wiser. Only by field experiments could I temper the steel of my mind so that it would not brittle and break at the first contact with any real adversity.
But while you have offered much guidance, you have not abused the power of your wisdom or experience. You do not seek control. You do not ask me to live your life for you. You know that trying to make me into anything other than what I was meant to be will make for an inefficient machine that works against itself at every turn, eventually burning itself up with internal friction. Instead, you have been remarkably optimistic about the unknown future. You have been curious to discover just what sort of mysterious seedling of unique personality lay deep within me, and rather than foisting a hand-me-down identity upon me, you have had the courage to wait and see. You have allowed me to gradually break away from the often stifling conventions and overwhelming expectations of society, and instead become the unique individual that I was meant to be. Your purpose has always been to encourage my growth in whatever direction that I chose, and you nurtured that growth whenever and wherever it needed it to the best of your ability.
As I have gradually been lifted out of the natural narcissism of youth, I have come to feel a profound appreciation for the vision, patience, and quiet personal discipline that you have brought to bear on our relationship. I am just now beginning to reap the benefits in all the emotional and intellectual capital you have invested in me. While I once saw these rules and admonishments as barriers to immediate gratification, I now see these rules you set down are the rules that must be followed for both internal happiness and external success.
I realize that neither one of us is exactly sure how it happened, but in an admittedly somewhat haphazard way you have made this terribly difficult transition, from childhood to adulthood, possible. I know I complained about it vociferously at the time, but your teaching has served to become a constant reference point, a shining north star that helps me to get my bearings even on the darkest of nights and loneliest of unknown seas.
And so I am headed off to ever more new adventures, with a proper balance of optimism and caution, with an advantage over many of my peers, for I am not doomed to wander so long in the wilderness. I have a marvelous role model in you and the way you have lived your life. How lucky I am to have you here. For all our desire for freedom and independence, there is a terrible hunger in the human heart for parenting, more than most of us can ever hope to get. If I had not had you in my life, and been allowed to see, first hand, both your extraordinary abilities and how you work with your own limitations, I am afraid I would have sunk into a bottomless pit of theorizing about what could be, planning everything and doing nothing.
In a strange and wonderful way your influence is felt almost every day. Whenever I come to some grand epiphany or greater level of consciousness, I always think of you, for at these moments I at last come to understand something you tried to explain to me once upon a time so long ago. Every day, it seems, something will come up and I will realize that I finally understand it, that is what you were talking about. And again, I see your patience at work, for you have often had to wait so long for me to rise to these new levels of awareness.
I can only laugh now, when I think of some of the foolish positions I once defended so tenaciously in our past discussions. But while lesser mortals would have lost their temper years ago, you never got terribly cross with me. You never doubted your vision, you never doubted your purpose, and your confidence and perseverance has paid off handsomely.
Now the story has begun to repeat itself, but I am cast in a different role. I am no longer the child. Instead of being tolerated, I find myself having to endure the arduous growing pains of others. Instead of being parented, I find more and more that I am required to be the parent. While I am tempted to throw fits of frustration at others for taking such a long time to figure out simple things, I am consistently, and laughingly, reminded of the time when you had to endure the exact same aggravation for me. And so I find deep well springs of forbearance as I experience each new turn of this grand eternally unfolding mystery and walk through this continuous process of shared growing and learning that we call living. I find I cannot begrudge anyone the time and effort that they require of me in this role, it is I think the only meaningful way I can repay the debt for what was once so graciously given to me.
In quiet moments of reflection I have come to look with awe and wonder at this grand circle of life. Like some great tall tree that finds its firmness and strength from its deep bond with the soil, my connection to you has allowed me to rise high, to reach for the sun and the stars. At the same time that connection has provided nourishment, protection, and support when I needed it, but it never held me back, it never stopped me from growing and becoming what I was meant to be. At the same time, I have come to understand just how hard this job is. I sometimes wonder how the human race has managed to survive, when the raising of children, is, by any objective standard, impossible. Everyone who does it must learn on the job. And yet it happens, generation after generation. It happens because there are people like you. You may not grab much attention from passers by, but day after day, diaper after diaper, meal after meal, soccer game after soccer game, you have gone about your business, doing the impossible.
–Excerpt from “I Believe in You (Words of Appreciation for the Special People in Your Life)” (c) 2012 Justin Locke
This book is currently only available through the Amazon Kindle Store. You do not need own a kindle, they have free software so you can read kindle books on a PC or tablet. A paperback version is coming eventually.
Sample Chapters from “I Believe in You” :
