Well you just never know when inspiration will strike.
Almost 30 (gasp) years ago I wrote “Peter VS the Wolf.” Over the years I have stolen various fun ad libs and little staging ideas from various folks, and I have polished the dialogue within an inch of its life. But there was one nagging problem with the show, and that was the oboe testimony. I racked my brain for decades trying to come up with a way for the wolf to somehow make a musical confusion over the oboe, to no avail. The best I could do was the original “You look like a penguin in that getup,” but that meant that 1) the oboist had to wear a tux, not usually the case at a family matinee, and 2) that was every more awkward if the oboist was female, which seemed to be the case 80% of the time.
Well last night, don’t ask me why, the show was going thru my head for some reason, and it hit me that a duck is also a “waterfowl,” and once the wolf gets the oboe to admit to that, a joke about making a “fowl sound” was not very far behind. At last, that one nagging loose end has been tied up. I am so pleased.
Of course, then you get flute players who play wooden flutes, screwing up the whole “woodwind made out of metal” joke . . . it never ends . . .
© Justin Locke
JUDGE
[Raps gavel] Order in the orchestra. [Orch quiets] If you can't manage to keep quiet I'll try this case with a piano reduction. [To woodwinds:] Raise your right hands. Do you solemnly swear to play the notes, the whole notes, and nothing but the notes?
WOODWINDS
We do.
JUDGE
Proceed.
WOLF
Thank you, your honor. Now then . . . You play the OBOE, right?
OBOE
Yes.
WOLF
Let's hear you play something.
[OBOE plays bit of DUCK THEME]
(WOLF)
Now I take it you are supposed to be the DUCK in the story of Peter and myself?
OBOE
Yes.
[Note: if oboist is wearing tux or tails, wolf can say: "That's interesting . . . You look more like a penguin in that get-up!". Otherwise, use new dialogue below:
Hmm. A duck, huh? A duck. Hey, isn't a duck also known as . . a waterfowl??
OBOE
I suppose so.
(WOLF)
Well that would certainly account for the fowl sounds you're making! [laughs]
DA
Your honor, I object, the Wolf is badgering the witness!
JUDGE
Well, you have to admit, it was pretty funny . . .
DA
Your honor . . .
JUDGE
Oh, all right all right. Mr. Wolf, let's please move it along.
[OBOE moves to other end of line, FLUTE moves over to WOLF.]
