Given all the heated discussion about possibly raising the tax rates on the wealthiest Americans, I thought it might be a good idea to do some research on the subject. Did the wealthiest Americans actually once pay 90% of their income to Uncle Sam? To find an answer, my research took me to, of all places, the small town of Monclova, Ohio, where I discovered the Museum of Our National Heritage of Tax Dodging.
I received an enthusiastic welcome from Bob Figglesturmer, their executive director. “Hey,” he said, “welcome to the Museum of Our National Heritage of Tax Dodging. Let me give you the tour.”
As he opened the front door, my ears were assaulted by the din of hundreds of screaming kids who seemed to be running around having the time of their lives. “Sorry about the noise,” he laughed. “The kids just love the displays. We host school groups almost every day of the week.”
He ushered me into their first exhibit hall, which featured life-size dioramas of the original Boston Tea Party and the Constitutional Convention.
“A lot of people don’t realize that America is based on tax dodging,” he explained. “The British had successfully protected us from attacks by both the French and the Indians, but when they tried to get us to assume some of the cost of that defense, well, the true American spirit came to the fore. We refused to pay, and we threw some taxed tea into the harbor to make the point. The rest, as they say, is history.”
He then took me to the next exhibit, which was a sort of roller coaster, whose theme was one of souped-up 1940's vintage automobiles. As we took what was, for this reporter, a thoroughly terrifying ride, we experienced an incredibly realistic sense of a high-speed chase, playing the role of “moonshiners” trying to outrun “revenuers,” while snippets of “Thunder Road” played on a jumbotron. Bob explained: “The tax dodger has always been a kind of folk hero, and this exhibit gives the kids a first-hand sense of what that was like in the good old days.”
We then passed a large exhibit space that was under construction. I asked what it was going to be. Bob explained, “Oh, well, you’ve seen Disney’s ‘Hall of Presidents,’ right? Well, this is our ‘Hall of CEO’s.’ If a Fortune 100 company manages to go for at least three years without paying any corporate taxes, we make an animatronic robot of their CEO, and it gives snippets of their talks on leadership, which normally cost $50,000 a throw. It’s going to be very popular venue for gala events. We’re already sold out through 2014.”
“And now,” he said, “our most popular exhibit. The tax dodger maze.”
At first. I couldn’t quite make it out. It seemed like a lot of random tunnels and bridges. Bob saw my confused look, and explained: “Here’s how it works. At the end of the tour, we give each kid $1,000,000 in play money which can be redeemed for ten “100 grand” candy bars at our gift shop. But then we tell them that it’s 1958, and the tax rate on their money is 90%. So they can either go and buy one candy bar, or they can run through this “haunted house” maze of IRS agents, accountants, and legal loopholes, where they can potentially keep more of their money by putting it into various offshore bank accounts and tax shelters. If they get lost, they can push a button and an automated tax attorney or a CPA will pop up and help them.
“So what’s the best score so far?” I asked
“Actually,” he replied, “a fair number of kids manage to get through without paying any taxes at all. But then last year a three- year-old accidentally gave her entire million to an automated “elected official” and she walked out with fifty candy bars. That’s the record, but we’re working on the system to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”
“And how does the average kid do?” I asked.
“Extremely well. We have yet to have one kid go through the maze and pay more than 30% .” He then grew somewhat teary-eyed. “I wanna tell you,” he said, “there have been some studies coming out lately, saying that American kids are falling behind in creativity. Whoever did those studies has never seen the kids in this maze. When a free candy bar is at stake, these kids all become creative geniuses. If we want American kids to become as creative as they once were, all we have to do is raise the tax rates.”
© Justin Locke
Justin Locke is an entertaining speaker. Call him at 781-330-8143 to discuss having him appear at your next event.
