So I had a chance to sit down for an interview with Abe Schwatzengaben the other day. Abe is a highly paid political and political media consultant. I wanted to get his input on the ongoing hullaballoo surrounding Anthony Weiner and Sarah Palin.
JL: So Abe, what’s your take on this Anthony Wiener deal?
AS: Is this off the record?
JL: Absolutely.
AS: Well then I’ll tell you the real deal. It was all my idea.
JL: Excuse me? What do you mean?
AS: My specialty is a political consultant is in helping politicians transition to jobs in the major media. You wouldn’t believe how many mayors, congressman, governors, yeesh, all come tramping into my office asking for my help in getting out of their low-paying scutwork government jobs and making the big bucks by having their own talk show on CNN. Anthony has been in Congress a long time, he’s a bright guy, very articulate, so we’re making that happen for him.
JL: You mean, this is all contrived?
AS: Of course. He was sick of the grind of a government job, but he was nowhere near famous enough to be of any interest to a network. Just because you have represented the East Eaglejaw congressional district or governed some state no one has ever heard of for 20 years doesn’t mean you really have any real “name” or audience base. What I do is, I come up with a nice juicy scandal that gets you headlines. Then, by offering ludicrous denials, that keeps you in the news for a couple of weeks, then when we sense the energy starting to ebb, we do this standard press conference grand apology. Then for about six months we feed press releases to the tabloid media about your ongoing issues with apologizing to your wife and kids, blah blah blah, and six months after that, we launch the talk show. The “scandal” gives you a huge rating boost. Without it, you would be nobody. I tell ya, convincing him to “take the plunge”and take a pic of his crotch took me three days. He believes in me now though.
JL: I’m finding it hard to believe what I’m hearing. Have you done this before?
AS: Oh come on. Have you ever heard of Eliot Spitzer?
JL: You did that?
AS: Sure. We made the whole thing up. Did you ever notice, when one these politicians are caught supposedly cheating, it’s never something so pedestrian as the girl next door or the wife of his chief of staff? It’s always a blackjack dealer in Vegas, or a 17 year-old hooker, or a South American tango dance instructor. I think one of the best parts of my job is coming up with these outrageous characters for these guys to supposedly sleep with. It’s fun, and I get paid for it. I love my job.
JL: So these guys pay you a fee?
AS: Well, they pay me, but I also get the fees from both the Republican and Democratic national committees and from the late-night talk shows.
JL: Why would the national Republican and Democratic committees pay you for this? Aren’t you creating a problem for them?
AS: Ha ha ha ha. Everyone thinks that. Let me put it to you this way. If we didn’t congest the airwaves with stories of Andrew Wiener’s tawdry romances or Sarah Palin’s total lack of knowledge of anything, what would happen next? I’ll tell you: some rogue reporter might start doing stories on what the government is really doing. If people got their attention focused on the actual legislative process, there would be riots in the streets. The Romans had bread and circuses, we have bread and media circuses. And of course, the comedy shows make a mint off the whole process.
JL: So you’re telling me that Sarah Palin is . . .
AS: Yes, she’s another fabulous success story. Didn’t you love that whole seemingly random incorrect version of Paul Revere’s ride? I came up with that one. I told her, “no matter what question they ask you, just tell this version of the Paul Revere story.” Pity I can’t take any public credit for it. The whole world is teetering on bankruptcy, and yet that one little snippet of nonsense led the nightly news for three whole days at least. Not bad, even if I do say so myself. Right now I’m trying to convince her to screw up the words to the national anthem. Once she does that, she’ll be able to write her own ticket to any media job in the world.
JL: Well I must say, I am both impressed and disillusioned all the same time. One last question: are you working for John Edwards too?
AS: [laughs out loud] I wish. Some of these people just have a natural talent, and he’s one of them. He will have his own show on MSNBC next fall. I think they’ve already signed the contract.
© Justin Locke
Justin Locke is an entertaining speaker. Call him at 781-330-8143 to discuss having him appear at your next event.
