So I had a chance the other day to sit down and talk with Reuben Fratzenstrammer, who is a major player in the world of corporate campaign contributions.
JL: So Frank thank you so very much for taking some time to talk to me today.
RF: Not at all. Pleasure to be here.
JL: So, another presidential election year is just around the corner. I was wondering if you could give us a little insight into the process. After all, and correct me if I’m wrong, the companies that you represent contributed well into the hundreds of millions of dollars to various campaigns last time around.
RF: Really? Oh, I don’t think so. I don’t think our cash outlay was really much more than $10,000 at the most.
JL: Well, I am afraid I beg to differ, have the statements here from your various financial reports . . .
RF: Oh, well, you really can’t go by that. That’s just a certain amount of accounting sleight-of-hand.
JL: What do you mean?
RF: Is this off the record?
JL: Absolutely.
RF: Well, here’s how it works: we go to a candidate and suggest that they run a nasty negative smear campaign ad against their opponent. We then give them the money necessary to run the ad nationally.
JL: And that costs millions of dollars, right?
RF: Well, yes and no. You see, we give them millions of dollars to buy ad time . . . but we also own the various TV stations on which they have to run the ad, so the money comes right back to us. At the end of the day, the net outlay is minimal. Sometimes we actually make a profit, as they will buy extra time with the money from all their grass roots fund-raising as well.
JL: But what if that candidate doesn’t win? What do you do then?
RF: Oh well it’s actually very simple. You see, once an attack ad is run, that obligates the other candidate to respond to it, which means they are forced to come to us and beg for money to pay for running a counter-attack ad. So we give them the money, and when they buy the time to run the ad, they pay it all back to us. And again, we’re out pennies, if that.
JL: But what’s the purpose of doing this, if you’re supporting both candidates?
SJ: Oh, well, we don’t really care who wins. You see, no matter who wins, they’re both incredibly indebted to us for all the contributions we made to their campaign. So we have the same access and influence over the legislative process regardless. And even then, that’s not really why we do it.
JL: You mean there’s more to it than that?
RF: Sure. As long as these two characters are going at each other other’s throats tooth and nail on TV every night, this distracts the general public from the various nefarious things my clients do all day. That’s worth so much to us, we would make all these political contributions even if they didn’t give them all right back to us. Isn’t democracy wonderful?
JL: I guess so.
RF: You bet it is.
© Justin Locke
Justin Locke is an entertaining speaker. Call him at 781-330-8143 to discuss having him appear at your next event.
