The other day I had a rare glimpse into one of those organizations that very few people know about but has immense impact on our daily lives. I had lunch with Rudolf La Paix, a senior vice president at the Enterprise Institute for Embarrassment Integration and Optimization, also known as EIEIO. What follows is a abridged version of a lengthy discussion.
JL: So Rudolf . . .
RLP: Call me Rudy
JL: Oh. Rudy La Paix. I get it. That’s very funny. So Rudy, can you give me a brief overview of the EIEIO?
RLP: Sure. Simply stated, this is a government/private partnership that focuses on economic development. Basically, the real problem here is that even the most average person has become so incredibly productive due to technology that we are constantly challenged to create enough demand to meet our own productivity. The purpose of the EIEIO is to help companies exploit any vulnerability in the marketplace, in particular, the average person’s fear of embarrassment, to increase demand for their products.
JL: So can you give me a for instance?
RLP: Sure. Basically, human beings are very easy to embarrass. So we exploit this weakness by creating standards for just about everything about the human experience that are virtually unmeetable, and then we work with companies across the manufacturing and services spectrum to offer a panoply of products and/or services that promise to help you overcome this newly created sense of inferiority.
JL: Such as?
RLP: Well, take the human body. We basically take every single aspect of the human body and tell people that whatever they look like or whatever their body type or optimal weight, it’s wrong. If you have a lot of hair on your head, we create coordinate campaigns amongst various manufacturers to tell you that you need less of it. Or, if you’re going bald, we again coordinate media campaigns to tell you that is wrong as well, and we offer various products that vaguely promise to get you back to acceptable norms.
JL: Acceptable norms?
RLP: (laughs) Well there really is no such thing here, I mean, if we had acceptable norms and people met them, they would probably stop buying products, and we can’t have that.
JL: Well, don’t people eventually catch on or eventually meet even the somewhat extreme standards you set for them?
RLP: They used to in the old days, but not anymore. You see, we instituted what we call a mutually exclusive strategy, or MES.
JL: Mutually exclusive? Can you give me a for instance?
RLP: Sure. First, we initiate a marketing campaign that basically tell young men that they are not masculine unless they drink lots of beer. We also tell them that the only way they’re going to meet any women is to hang out in bars and, again, drink lots of beer. But at the same time, we also put forth the idea that unless you have a rippling muscular body with 2% body fat, women will not find you to be acceptable. So now, and along with all the beer they’re buying and drinking, they also have to somehow remove all the excess body fat, which is pretty much impossible given all the beer they are drinking in order to be socially acceptable. Plus they buy all kinds of fitness equipment.
JL: Isn’t that kind of a vicious cycle?
RLP: We preferred to call it “enhanced marketing technique.”
JL: So is this just about alcohol and personal care products?
RLP: Oh, heavens no. We found this approach to be so effective, we help industries across the entire spectrum, including nonprofits.
JL: How do nonprofits fit in?
RLP: Well, take your average college. It used to be that having a bachelor’s degree was pretty darn good, but now that we have virtually unlimited government subsidies via student loans to tap into, we’ve been able to ratchet that market up considerably. So far, we’ve been able to convince just about every body that a bachelor’s degree is barely acceptable, and you simply must have a masters degree or even a Ph.D. just to get by. That program has been so successful now we’ve decided to expand it, and we’re working on something called a Qh.D., which will be one level up from a Ph.D.
JL: Qh.D.? What does that stand for?
RLP: Oh, I have no idea. The Marketing Department came up with that. Sounds good, though, don’t you think?
JL: Well I do have one question.
RLP: Fire away, I’m here to help.
JL: Well . . . it seems as though most of what you’re doing here is essentially making people feel belittled and insecure? Or am I missing the point?
RLP: Well, you have a point I guess, but here’s the thing: if we didn’t create these feelings of inferiority and insecurity, this would create even worse problems. Happy people don’t buy new cars. Why? Because they’re happy with the one they’ve got. If people were to become happy and content, the economy would go into a total nose dive.
JL: So you are actually trying to make people unhappy?
RLP: Well I realize it sounds that way, but . . . Well, yes, we are making people feel insecure, inadequate, disconnected, and ashamed of themselves. But believe me . . . it’s all for their own good.
© Justin Locke
Justin Locke is an entertaining speaker. To book him for your next event, call 781-330-8143.
