This article was published in the newsletter of the American Institute of CPA’s, but they had to shorten it. So below is the whole article. Note this is just one of a series of articles/seminars I do on “People Skills 101“:
[Are you one of those people who is fabulous at the services you provide, but you feel a little awkward dealing with strangers who walk in the door seeking those services? Well, here is the first in a possible series of little hints and tricks:]
Many years ago, when I was in my mid-20’s, I attended a post-concert reception. I soon found myself chatting with a woman who was much older than me. I would guess she was in her mid-50’s. Long story short, she picked me up.
Now please don’t get too excited, this is not going to be a story of tawdry romance. She was a Boston “society lady,” she had a boyfriend her own age, but she also enjoyed the occasional company of, as she called them, “her young men.” We would do terribly elegant things together, like dinner at the Ritz, and high tea at the Copley Plaza.
Now this point, you may be asking yourself, why, at age 25, would I be spending so much time with a woman in her 50’s? Or perhaps one should ask, how did this middle-aged woman garner the undivided eager attention of a 25-year-old guy? I’ll tell you how: along with enlightening me on the topic of “people skills,” this woman endlessly told me how wonderful I was. She told me over and over again that I was a fabulously intelligent and good-looking young man. I had never heard anyone tell me this before, and, quite frankly, being the insecure young man that I was, I could not get enough of this. I could listen to her talk for hours. I wasn’t being a gigolo, either; I actually picked up the check most of the time, and I was happy to do it. In a world where everyone was telling me what I was doing wrong, this woman was a welcome oasis of nonstop praise and admiration.
Here is another story of the power of praise, abridged from my “Principles of Applied Stupidity”:
When I was a teenage wannabe musician, I studied with several famous double bass teachers. In my lessons, every single one of them, with the best of intentions, relentlessly told me every little thing that I was doing wrong. They pointed out every little mistake. They certainly meant well, but in the end, all that criticism destroyed my confidence.
Then I met a bass teacher who did nothing but praise me. No matter how I played my lessons, good or bad, he would sit in a cloud of cigarette smoke and say, “sounds beautiful.” I used to think he was the worst bass teacher in the world, but there was method in his madness. By giving me a constant stream of praise and approval, he imparted the one thing I lacked and truly needed, which was a mustard seed’s worth of belief in myself. Once I had regained my confidence, I was able to figure out the technical stuff on my own. A year later, I was playing professionally.
So if praise is so wonderful and so effective, why don’t more people do it?
Well, sadly, we live a world where most people believe in the power of criticism. Just one example, I had a speaking appearance in Milwaukee last summer, and the client booked me onto an airline I was not familiar with. Out of curiosity, I googled the airline, and oh my goodness, the reviews were just appalling. I mean, rats in the gate area, drunken pilots, wings falling off the plane, the works. I was convinced that I would not survive the trip. But lo and behold, when I showed up, there were no rats or drunken pilots. It was just a typical no-frills flight. Clearly, all the people who had bad experiences had voiced their complaints, but all the people who had good experiences said nothing. I sincerely doubt that anyone on my problem-free flight went to the trouble of posting a positive review. This is the dynamic everywhere. When we do it wrong, we get immediate unpleasant feedback. When we do it right, we rarely hear anything.
Another reason why people don’t offer praise is because we may feel it would somehow be seen as “impertinent” to comment on someone else’s work or appearance, even in a positive way. Well, let me tell you another story:
When I played bass in the Boston Pops, I was seated about 30 feet away from their very famous set drummer. One night, during intermission, I went up to him and said, “Fred, it’s always a delight to hear you play, but last night you were particularly inspired, and I really enjoyed it a lot.” And then I caught myself and said, “but gee whiz, who am I, a lowly bass player, to say anything about your spectacular playing?” I will never forget what happened next. He leaned over to me, and in a very low whisper, this world-famous musician said, “it’s always nice to hear.”
If you wish to effectively lead, manage, or influence people, or just make people perform better at anything, or maybe just make them feel better about themselves, praise is an essential element. Unfortunately, praise is something of a lost art. With the possible exception of Dale Carnegie, I see precious little training anywhere in “praise-ology.” So I am just a dilettante on the subject, and bear in mind, this article is focused primarily on dealing with clients and co-workers, but for what it’s worth, here goes.
Let’s begin with a few do’s and don’t’s:
This first one is subtle yet awfully important: unless you are in a manager-to-managee situation, try to avoid offering a “compliment” that is really a judgement. For example, after Yo-Yo Ma plays a recital, don’t say, “Hey, that was really good.” Instead, say something like, “Wow, I really enjoyed that.”
You see how the first version is a judgement, which contains a bit of condescension, and maybe implies status you may not really have, whereas the second implies no judgement, just personal positive reaction, hence greater connection?
Now as a general rule, I don’t compliment anything that is DNA related. It risks being too personal. It’s fine to compliment someone on their hairdo, but it’s chancy complimenting someone on their hair. They have control over their hairdo, but not over their genetic sequencing. (Also, unless you know someone really well, you should be careful about saying “wow, you lost weight ”, as this can be interpreted as you thought they were overweight for years and you just never said anything. Of course, if this person has been openly moaning about their weight problems for years, that’s entirely different. Praise away.) Obviously, if you are in a personal relationship, forget what I just said, compliment anything and everything. Again, this article is more for business / casual social communication.
Now there are two types of compliments, the sincere and the insincere. Don’t be quick to dismiss the latter.
It just so happens that I am a master of the insincere compliment. I will say all sorts of meaningless things to people, like “What a guy,” “Unbelievable,” and “You’re doing a helluva job.” I don’t really know what “a helluva job” is, but when said in the right tone (and I should mention that a friendly “I am impressed” tone is key), it always makes people smile. When I see someone stocking lettuce in the produce aisle, well, saying something positive instead of ignoring him costs me nothing, and makes him feel like someone appreciates what he’s doing. And frankly, without people doing that work, we would all starve, so they ARE doing a helluva job. And you can bet, when I need this guy’s assistance next week, he is going to be much more inclined to help me.
I have a whole grab-bag of vague superlative compliments, including “That’s great,” “I like that,” “fantastic,” “super,” and my favorite, “fabulous.” The point is not to make a concise statement of fact. The point is to offer recognition, and if someone is doing a mundane task, well, you can still compliment them on it in a vaguely positive way and make them feel good about themselves. You are recognizing their existence first and foremost. WHAT specific aspect of their existence, work, etc., you are recognizing is secondary to the goal of recognizing THEM.
When it comes to sincere compliments, well, that’s personal taste. If you truly like something someone is wearing, you should say something. As my set drummer friend said, “it’s always nice to hear.” Of course, sincere compliments also expose a little of your vulnerable inner self as well, perhaps more than people want to hear on a first meeting, so don’t go so far with effusiveness that you make anyone feel uncomfortable. Praise sings deeply into the soul. A little dab will do you. Always be mindful of other people’s boundaries. This is the heart of good manners.
Next, dealing with odd reactions:
To begin, there are some people that require extra special care when you want to offer them praise. These fall into two categories:
The first category is people who are extremely attractive and/or extremely powerful. Unlike everyone else, these people are generally already inundated with praise, most of which, from their perspective, masks an ulterior motive. I am not saying you shouldn’t offer praise or compliments to these people; you should, as they need them as much or more than anyone else. But they have a lot of people giving them inappropriate, overly-forward comments, and it’s a challenge for them to gracefully respond to non-stop ham-handed phrases from strangers like “gosh, you’re so beautiful.” You can effectively compliment these people, but you really have to put more thought into it, as you might fall into gushing all over them yourself. Trick: don’t give a standard compliment, as they have heard them all already. Come up with something unusual. Demonstrate that you have given the matter some thought. The second and most dangerous category is people who have “issues,” i.e., people who are very paranoid about anyone getting close to them. To such people, a simple compliment can be quickly mistaken as an unwanted personal/ sexual advance, and they may overreact, so be judicious in complimenting strangers. If you have come across such a person (and we all have), well, don’t let this statistically insignificant yet highly vocal minority determine your approach to everyone else.
Now, a few pitfalls to avoid when dealing with normal people:
Many people have a more benign kind of personal issue, and that is, some people are so starved for praise that they don’t know how to react to it. They may just freeze up. That’s ok, you have not offended them, you’re doing the right thing. They’re not mad at you, they just aren’t used to someone being nice to them. Don’t be embarrassed that they did not immediately thank you for the compliment. Flowers need a lot of water to bloom after a drought.
In a similar vein, some people will quickly refute your praise, e.g., “oh, no, I’m really not very good at this at all.” They are not arguing with you, nor are they disapproving of your perception, or pushing you away; they are just being modest. Everyone has their own style, and you just have to go with the flow. I never said this was an exact science. In that situation, I will usually argue with them, and say, “no, I have studied this a long time, and I can say with no small authority that you ARE good at it.” I find I always win this kind of argument.
Now let’s talk about praise in a management environment:
In a management situation, regular praise for work being done establishes both greater overall confidence and a positive flow of energy/ communication with people who are under your supervision. Even if it’s vague and slightly insincere, by offering general praise you set a tone of joviality, as you are recognizing their need for praise even if you can’t find something specific. And when you do praise a specific action, you are reinforcing that behavior in a major way. This is far more efficient than only reacting with negativity when people do something wrong. The people who work for you need (and I underline “need”) praise from authority figures. If they don’t get it, this leaves a major emotional void, and they will seek that “praise experience” by demanding more money. (You might think praising people will make them think they should get paid more, but in fact the absence of praise leaves them more likely to demand added “reward” for their efforts. If the boss isn’t recognizing your hard work with an occasional compliment, you need more money to stay motivated.)
Also, after you have built up and established a steady praise experience with people, when you have a conflict, it’s nowhere near as difficult to deal with it, as you have a backlog of positive communication already in place. This can be very handy.
If you only say something when people screw up, people will begin to dread having any contact with you. Also, once people get used to getting praise from you, they will be highly motivated to not do anything that you don’t like, as the praise is so delicious. You can actually reprimand people by merely not praising them. This is a real time and energy saver.
I played for dozens of conductors, and most of them expressed absolutely no awareness or appreciation for the work I was doing. This was quite vexing.
The ones who made an effort to compliment my playing got way better performance out of me every time.
Now one way to use praise if you’re a CPA: when people come into your office and show you their shoe box filled with receipts and pay stubs, your first reaction may be to say, “oh my goodness, this is a terrible mess, good thing you hired me.” Well, wait a second. If you use your imagination, you can find something nice to say about their horrendous system. Come up with some little crumb of kindness that they can desperately cling to in the face of the flood of changes you’re about to suggest. How about, “Wow, were these Italian shoes? VERY nice,” or perhaps, “It’s great that you saved all this, you wouldn’t believe how many people lose everything.” Or make up your own. If you tell someone that they did something right, they will be much more open to instituting your suggested changes to all they did wrong. Positive input of any kind is memorable, and it gives people a personal reason to want to see you again besides having a desperate need for your service.
Praise is a wonderfully powerful tool for managing, sales, and just making the world a better place in general. Everywhere I go, I see people who are starved for recognition. They’ll spend 200 bucks on a necktie or they’ll spend three hours putting on their makeup, and no one says a word about it. So sad. But this is not a hopeless situation. Don’t for a minute think that your praise is worth less than anyone else’s. You can make a difference. This world would be a much better place if we all got more “strokes” of praise from the people around us, including you. By the way, you’re a great person, I really mean that, and I love everything you do, it’s all absolutely fabulous . . . but I could really use all the help I can get in making this a more praise-filled environment. Get the picture? 🙂
And by the way, remember my “society lady” friend from so long ago? We drifted apart after a year or so, but then, 20 years later, I ran into her at a black-tie social event. She was then 75 years old, but I was amused to discover that her escort for the evening was an exceptionally attractive 25-year-old guy.
The power of praise . . .
© Justin Locke
