Okay, make no mistake. I love being a self published author. Of course, it’s not exactly what I thought it would be.
To be perfectly honest, when I first began to pursue the goal of being a published author, I had this wonderful vision of numerous literary agents clamoring to see my latest opus, major publishers vying with one another for the privilege of publishing my work, after which my only task would be to endorse and deposit my royalty checks after I moved to my seaside home in Majorca.
Ah, the innocence of youth.
For those of you who might be interested, this is what really happens:
While I sell a fair amount of books in big clumps when I do a speaking engagement (known as “back of room” sales), the day-to-day business is mostly fulfilling Internet orders. This starts with an e-mail, either from paypal or from Amazon. The ones from Amazon say “Sold, Ship Now.” The ones from paypal say “Notification of Payment Received.” I have to tell you, when it comes to how I react to these e-mails, Pavlov’s dogs got nothin’ on me. I’ve been at this for five years, and I never get tired of seeing those e-mail subject lines. It means somebody somewhere wants to read something I wrote, enough so that they’re willing to shell out close to 20 bucks for the privilege. I love it.
One unexpected experience that happens mostly around Christmas time: While I do get book orders almost every day, in that pre-Christmas month, there’ll be times when I’m getting a book order almost every hour. When that happens, I have an addictive response. I often compare myself to that chicken who gets rewarded with a food pellet if they hit the pedal. I find myself hitting the “check mail” button over and over again to see if another “Sold Ship Now” food pellet will appear.
The next step is to actually ship the book. For orders of one book, I’ve got a pretty solid system down here. I have a big box of size "0" envelopes. I print up a shipping label, i insert the book, I hand inspect each book for any flaws (rare with the new printer, yay), I write a thank you on a little note and insert that. Truth be told, being a self published author has an awful lot to do with being a mailroom clerk. I can speak with great authority on vendors of bubble wrap envelopes (I use royal mailers, by the way). I am well-versed on the types of packaging tape available, and I even bought a postal scale, but then they changed the rules and they charge different amounts depending on the thickness and stiffness of the envelope, so I can no longer do my own postage and drop it in a mailbox, have to take packages to the post office. I am well-versed on the closing times of every post office within 5 miles of my house (I actually found one that stays open until 2 p.m. on Saturday, and no, I’m not going to tell you where it is). In one of these post offices, there is a clerk who interprets the rules for postal rates differently, so with him I save something like 30 or 50 cents on every single package, and no, I am not going to tell you where he is either.
One of the hardest parts is orders of multiple copies. Mind you, I’m not complaining, but if someone wants six books, I have to scratch my head and figure out how in the pack up an order that size. I was pretty impressed with myself the other day, I got six books into a priority flat rate envelope. It took some doing, and I stretched the laws of physics to their limit, but hey, if it fits, it ships.
Yes, it’s a lot of mail room work, but I really don’t care. I went through several years of pitching my books to literary agents, and there were times when I went down to my mailbox and every single day there was an envelope from some stranger telling me that they didn’t like my books and they didn’t want to talk to me or give me any money. Now, I get e-mails almost every day from people who do like my books and do want to give me money. I smile all the way to the post office.
© Justin Locke
