In a most unusual turn of events, Satan called a rare press conference to today to announce a new program of "Earth-friendly" policies.
"Many people forget that the nether regions are part of the earth too," Satan announced. "And by the way, while it is well known that we do a brisk business in creating human suffering, we are far more diversified than that."
He pointed out their extensive (and very popular) program in making neighbor's wives ever more appealing, and the ongoing lobbying efforts necessary to keep massive temptation legal, especially in the financial and processed food sectors. "We've had a good couple of years," he said, "but we never stop trying to improve."
One of the biggest new initiatives announced by Satan was a commitment to decreasing global warming and encouraging plastics recycling. "This program may seem counter to our overall mission statement," he said, "but fact is, suffering is somewhat relative, and the hotter and dirtier it is up here, the less of a shock arriving in the nether regions becomes for our clientele. We wish to maintain a clear brand distinction, and the last thing we want is for people to arrive in hell and feel like it's nothing unusual."
He also announced that "human soul purchase and sale agreements" will now all be done in pdf format, and will be entirely paperless from now on. "This will be a big cost savings for us, so it's a win-win," he said.
When asked about possibly lowering the temperature of hell a few degrees to lessen carbon footprint, Satan replied, "Well, first of all, it's a hoof, and second, it's not commonly known, but we've been running on nuclear power from the very beginning, so our carbon footprint has been and still is zero, even at a steady temperature of 11,000 degrees."
In conclusion, Satan emphasized that "Here in Hades we take pride in what we do. We're here to help people get what they want, so call us anytime," he said.
