I have this friend who is a gestalt therapist, Dr. Bob Lee . . . he writes a lot of books, mostly for people in his profession, but he said something once to layman little me that sure made a lot of sense. He said, (and I am paraphrasing and I hope I get this right) "It all boils down to two states of being: connected and disconnected."
Simply stated, when you are connected, you are psychically healthy and balanced, as you have basic social needs of love, affection, clients, and social standing. In a disconnected state, you are lonely and broke, and far more likely to bring a gun to work and shoot up the joint.
So of course, we all want to be connected, and we want to avoid being disconnected.
So how does one achieve and maintain a sense of connectedness? Well the cheap and easy answer we hear so often is, of course, to conform. And people will go to amazing lengths to conform to what they think is the ideal state of being where connection will, at least in theory, be maximized. For one example, all these many so called health products, like home workout gizmos and fad diets, all have at the their core a veiled promise that if you look "more like this" you will have greater connection via your heightened physical attractiveness.
And of course, while the desire for connection is a powerful force, the fear of being disconnected is a powerful motivator as well, and marketers know this all too well; hence, we live in a constant state of fear that our clothes will be out of fashion or we are 5 pounds overweight.
My favorite connection/disconnection idea, of course, is that of being "smart," i.e., socially approved of, and "stupid," which is the opposite. These words in their common use have nothing to do with actual intellect and everything to do with conforming to a given subjective standard for your choices and actions. It’s a very handy and powerful means of controlling people without letting them see what you’re up to. (This is all expounded upon in my book, "Principles of Appied Stupidity.")
Anyway, the big thought here is, despite all the promises of grand connection to be had by making yourself more generic with this on-line degree or that bun of steel, you cannot achieve meaningful connection through conformity alone. You cannot achieve meaningful connection by abandoning your unique self and somehow melding into the greater mass of humanity. Real connection comes from accepting yourself – warts and all– and this is the first step in learning to accept the infinite variety of human beings you will encounter. By doing so, you will attain much greater connection.
If you conform, you are essentially accepting the idea that human variation and individuality is junk, even dangerous, and you become a force for disconnection yourself, by making people feel inadequate and somehow shamefully incorrect compared to some lofty perfect ideal.
Connection and disconnection are huge topics, that’s just one element of it . . .
BTW I am going to be on WCVB’s (Boston ABC affiliate) CHRONICLE HD Thursday night 7:30 April 9!!!! Talking about my book!
© Justin Locke
